Yup, I did it again, my hormones went out of control and I lashed out at him again.
This time, for not telling me where he put my grandma’a keys.
I hate it when my mind just clogs up with stuff and suddenly, panic sets in.
I know I shouldnt, I know I should have kept cool and its not his fault but at that point of time, I would go berserk if I exude calmness.
In my mind there were so many things, how my dad didnt call to tell me where he was going, my living room light went crazy, my table was messy from doing so many people’s make up, my period which showed all signs but no blood at all, how he had to go to Ubi and yet because of everything, he had to go late and I was worried that it was dark and he had to go home alone.
So many things. I guess my mind could not prioritise at that point of time.
I said he overeacted. I guess that person is me. I saw tears and pain in his eyes as I lashed out, yet I held mine back because there were plenty of things to do.
Such a bad weekend, we did nothing but argue and quarrel. I’m tired, so is he.
Maybe it has come to point where we’re both gonna be so tired that we dont wanna try anymore.
I told him before, I was highly irritated and frustrated. Why didnt he just understand that part and give in to me? So that I wouldnt need to launch into a whole ‘lecture’.
This is the way I’ve been talking. Even if I said it softly, he would bite back with a defensive remark and I would raise my voice again in order to let him understand my point.
This whole week when we met, I just felt that he was sick of seeing me, he was just playing along, he looked so bored.
Maybe he is.
Then why do I still try so hard?
Its a double-edged sword. Every time I scold him, my heart hurts from scolding him and from what he did that led me to scold him. It hurts both ways. I wished he knew that.
He stood up to walk away and I held him back but he pushed my hand away.
It hurt so bad, inside.
I know he feels tired. I feel tired too, the constant double hurting.
What should I do to just give the both of us happiness again?
Short-lived pain and then longer happiness?
I feel like I can’t hold on for the both of us any longer. I feel like one day I’m gonna ruin you.
I hope I can disappear from your life right now, and that you dont have any memories of me. That you only know me as your classmate.
Maybe this was all wrong from the start.