Hi, I’m back!

Well, not really. My last post was talking about time, about how I dont have time. I still don’t. But at least I think I’m coping better.

Seriously, whose reading what I write now? See the red X button up there. Click it because I have no idea why you’re reading this shit.

Things have changed.

I learnt to floss. Stupid I know. But how many people really do floss? Tell me. The thought of the thread going IN MY GUMS scare the poop out of me. Yet I do it. I’m a flossaholic wannabe now.

I learnt that, you can have the best relationship, love wise, in the world but it will only be the best that you make it out to be.

I learnt pilates, well, just. I’m like a rubberband now.

I wore shoes 5 days a week.

I wear pants well, cloth that covers my legs 5 days a week.

I’m just rambling. Please ignore me.

By the time I’m done doing my stuff, its time to call it a day. I dont even have time to talk to people around me, I dont have time to call long-lost friends, like what i do in the past.

I keep a bunch of close friends by my side and that’s about it. Its selfish but I wanna be able to keep everyone in close contact and by my side.

So if you feel that i havent been contacting you, its because I really dont have the luxury of time, at least not now. I tried, but i’m just human and thats about all I can do.

This time, for not telling me where he put my grandma’a keys.

I hate it when my mind just clogs up with stuff and suddenly, panic sets in.

I know I shouldnt, I know I should have kept cool and its not his fault but at that point of time, I would go berserk if I exude calmness.

In my mind there were so many things, how my dad didnt call to tell me where he was going, my living room light went crazy, my table was messy from doing so many people’s make up, my period which showed all signs but no blood at all, how he had to go to Ubi and yet because of everything, he had to go late and I was worried that it was dark and he had to go home alone.

So many things. I guess my mind could not prioritise at that point of time.

I said he overeacted. I guess that person is me. I saw tears and pain in his eyes as I lashed out, yet I held mine back because there were plenty of things to do.

Such a bad weekend, we did nothing but argue and quarrel. I’m tired, so is he.

Maybe it has come to point where we’re both gonna be so tired that we dont wanna try anymore.

I told him before, I was highly irritated and frustrated. Why didnt he just understand that part and give in to me? So that I wouldnt need to launch into a whole ‘lecture’.

This is the way I’ve been talking. Even if I said it softly, he would bite back with a defensive remark and I would raise my voice again in order to let him understand my point.

This whole week when we met, I just felt that he was sick of seeing me, he was just playing along, he looked so bored.

Maybe he is.

Then why do I still try so hard?

Its a double-edged sword. Every time I scold him, my heart hurts from scolding him and from what he did that led me to scold him. It hurts both ways. I wished he knew that.

He stood up to walk away and I held him back but he pushed my hand away.

It hurt so bad, inside.

I know he feels tired. I feel tired too, the constant double hurting.

What should I do to just give the both of us happiness again?

Short-lived pain and then longer happiness?

I feel like I can’t hold on for the both of us any longer. I feel like one day I’m gonna ruin you.

I hope I can disappear from your life right now, and that you dont have any memories of me. That you only know me as your classmate.

Maybe this was all wrong from the start.

I always thought that when in a relationship, you learn from your partner and your partner learns from you. I’ve probably been living in my own idealistic bubble.

I thought opposites attract. I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert, he listens, I talk.

Would it come a day when everything crashes? Would it come a day when he listens but doesnt do anything about it.

My friend said “Guys go into relationships hoping their partner wont change, girls go into relationships wanting their partner to be a changed person”

But think about it, the reason why girls often ask for change is because once guys enter the relationship, they cease to do what they did in order to ‘court’ the girl. They are no longer that caring, that sweet.

The boy who opens the door for you, now opens the door for himself, hopefully he swung it hard enough for you to go through without him holding it for you.

The boy who used to open your car door, now just unlocks the door on his side as now one button unlocks all 4 doors.

The boy who used to write you letters now send you 1-2 word smses.

The boy who said he’d give up the world for you, now expects you to give up the world for him.

Girls also dont want their guys to change. They dont want the sweet guy to change into the uncaring guy who doesnt care less anymore because they ‘got girlfriend already’.

Thats all I have to say.

I’m not pinpointing a particular person, just how I feel in general or how I feel when people tell me about how other people put them down.

Come on,

 If you’re sad and complaining about your own life, dont act as if that is my problem. I feel sorry for you but it doesnt mean I have to be as sad as you.

If something doesnt go your way, dont give me shit about it. Its not as if I wanted it to be bad for you so keep your emotions in check. Don’t be a sore loser when I’m happy bitch. And dont effing give me attitude.

And if you’re truly happy for a goddamn day, I’m happy for you but honestly, you dont have to boast about it. For one day that you’re happy, I’m happy on the other 364 days.

All these sad people who cannot let others be happy around you, you need to start doing a reality check on the inside and find out what’s wrong with you.

People who cannot let others be happy are/have

1) Insecure, they need to know others are sad as well so as to not feel alone.

2) Inferiority complex – none of my biz man. if you think you’re inferior, you are. It doesnt mean I am too.

So the solution? Be happy. Be happier. Constantly surround them with happiness until they cant take it and bitch behind your back.

They’re not friends after all if they bitch behind your back when you’re happy.

Pathetic sore losers in life.

Guess what, I’m still happy with mine.

I doubt anyone really reads this anyway haha.

My sister’s getting married next year, sheesh, she’s still like a child to me, just that she now operates an automobile, and whenever she does, my life is in her hands.

Its hard to grasp hold of the fact that we’re no longer children anymore, and we’re making life decisions. It used to be such an adult thing that “we” children stay out of it. Now, we’re in it.

Soon, its gonna be my turn. I’m also getting married, have kids, have everything I need in life and then retire to enjoy my golden years.

Alot of times, i think, is that all to me? Is that all i’m gonna have? Can I have more?

And I realised that alot of times, we’re just too greedy. I am too greedy. There are things to appreciate around me which I havent and I, from now, will give attention to things around me which I have neglected.

My chinchilla. How many times have I just fed her, gave her water, a few scratches and walked away?

How many times have I accompanied her, just sit beside her and let her run free?

I havent been a good owner, and now she isnt eating much, I dont know if its old age or she’s having some sickness because prey animals usually hide their pain very well.

I know what’s in store for me. I’m not going to see any symptoms until she lays still in her cage, with no heartbeat. But no amount of mental preparation is going to help with the real thing.

Lucas is 8 years old. Chinchillas in captivity usually lasts about 10 years. So I am scared that I’ll lose her anytime.

She has been such a great part of my life. She’s like an old granny now. Sometimes I wonder if she is afraid that I will forget her when she’s gone so she makes alot of noises in her cage.

sigh, the things in life.

No morning classes.

No Saturday classes.

After all the shit, failing my economics, bidding and not getting the electives that I want, ended up with Management Accounting and HRM, this is such good news.

Thank all Gods. I love you guys.

Peace out.

Saturday was AWESOME with the girls, I think I never stayed so long at swensens before.

Well, with the girls, there’s always NOISE and unexpected things to do because we didnt know what to do.

We were talking crapping bullshitting filling up water for a thousand times, me sticking my tissue in my nose all the time, Atika asking me to wrap my tissue in a serviette and me wiping my nose with the serviette which made everything pointless, not being able to stand ili’s bag alone because it was too small so i shoved it in my bag, fuzzy apologising and trying not to eat Paul’s species but was extremely tempted too because we ordered calamari.

And then Atika drove us to ALL THE ATAS PLACES IN THE WORLD!

Cluny Hill

Queen Astrid Park

Fourth

Fifth

And Sixth Ave

Plus some ching chong name that we decided were not sexy enough.

Colonial-ish buildings, COLUMNS!!!!! FOUNTAINS!!!!!

Why would you have a fountain, like a really big one, so big ten people can bathe in it. Waste of space okay?

And dog statues. Fuzzy saw dog statues everywhere. Fuzzy saw a black cat, Fuzzy said all dogs should be killed. Hafirah told me to take it lightly.

The girls. I miss Ali.

I love the girls (:

Sorry if I have some profanity. Can’t blame me, its 3am.

I remembered I moved to WordPress because my livejournal was just too much hurt. I read all my posts and a hurricane of memories just came whooshing by.

They say only through experiencing pain will you know what joy feels like.

True, true.

My memories of livejournal mostly goes like this

Posts with friends : ALL HAPPY =)

Posts with boys : 30% Happy, 70% Sadness

And yes, boys are the major source of unhappiness in that writing space. They disappoint me too much.

First we have B.

B is probably the 2nd nicest guy in that blog but we had a bad ending but still remained friends. We can still talk and dont wanna kill each other yet.

There is another B. We were great friends all along and I didnt know he had feelings for me until we almost finished school. Nice. But, he’s okay.

D is more like a confidante. He talks to me, gives new insights to me and supports me through all this boyshit. He eventually became part of the boyshit because he confessed to me and told me I had a choice. I wanted the special bond between me and D to remain so I chose the latter.

But there was K. K was an extremely special boy. I dreamt of him even before meeting him. He was an extremely positive uplifting person who had the “never say die” attitude. We eventually decided that there wasnt time, and that fate would ultimately bring us together if we were meant to be. Clearly, we weren’t.

Then, I met S. S was quite a character. He did alot of sweet things, carried my bag, filled my Ipod with songs because he felt there were too little songs,we laughed at ugly fishes and manta rays, I touched his soft hair and he felt like he was in a salon, all those weird stuff. He was cynical. He told me I was the reason he was cynical. He told me I was his inspiration. He told me that if ever I had a bad valentine’s day and cried at the roadside, he would pick me up. S was a pretty boy. Maybe too dangerously pretty. S always told me to eat more, because he felt skinny girls aren’t pretty. He told me he’s afraid he’ll fall for me more after he leaves school. He told me to tell him if I had nightmares.  He told me alot more things, things that made you feel good about yourself.

But after that, he fucking left. Just like that. It’s like Korean drama hello. But he left and never came back.

He is probably the only boy I felt was weird. Why did he have to tell me all those things, make me feel so good and then leave abstractly like an art film.

Since then, I hated art films that have such pained ending. Till now, I still dont get it. Why treat me so good, only to leave abruptly?  Honestly, like 2 days after the ultimate sweet day, he told me he just wanted to be friends, I’m like, WE ARE FRIENDS.  But then, he said “Yeah, nothing further.”

Hello, you’re not 10. I didnt put a knife to your throat and make you my puppet asshole. Why did you say all those sweet things to me then, Shakespeare?

After S, I had enough of these artsy boys. Then came a rugger, who calls himself CB.

CB was like any crooner you’d know. He can sing your favourite song to you, and has a nice husky voice. Problem is? He’s a player. Or should I say, potential future SWINGER?

Because I rejected him and he was persistent. So after a fairly long time, he asked me “Do you like me?” I said “Obviously” without thinking much. And somehow it lead to him telling me he JUST GOT ATTACHED.

Hello, how come I dont hear him telling me that? FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS? He said “I don’t wanna change things”. Ooh, we have a greedy greedy person here who wants the best of both worlds.  Come on, wake up and smell your smelly socks.  That ain’t gonna happen. I was sad though, that he couldnt tell me the truth.

You haven’t heard the best part yet. His girlfriend knows what he’s doing. AND SHE ALLOWS IT? Round of applause everybody, she’s aiming for her Nobel Peace Prize.

After I got rid of that shit, then came H whom from the start till the end was just a friend. A weird friend though because I felt he was just intimidating.

D is still there and he’s the nicest ever.

And then the ultimate blockbuster, W.

Oh.my.nostrils, W in short makes me feel like chalk on a chalkboard. Washed out and dusty.  W was the one who told me all the bad things about me, he told me I didnt know the meaning of love, I didnt know how to miss someone (Why do you hate me so if i said I DIDNT MISS YOU?) weird.

yeah yeah yeah, W was the worst of the worst. He was a sourgrape, who kept insulting me and eventually, I dont even have his facebook because I hated him too much. Obviously I dont now. Its not worth it you know.

Having been through so many weird and wonderful characters, we finally have SKF.

SKF, the skinniest amongst them, but the sturdiest rock of all. He is incredible. For 1.5 years now, he has given me the stability and reliability I want. I know he wont leave like an cynical art film,or insult me in any way and he will do anything to make me truly happy.

He doesnt have the best words to say, his expressions vocabulary is limited but he has the biggest heart I have ever seen and more than enough love to last a few lifetimes. He’s like my twin, we complete each other’s sentences, shadows each other’s moves and goof around like stupid fools. I try to act like a ninja, he’s says its a failed attempt. He always says I smell good even when I’m sweating under the hot sun. I get annoyed with him when he’s tired, but inside, the annoyance comes from heartache, seeing him tired because of me. He sleeps on my shoulder in movies and his hands are always cold, he has longer facial routines than me and he takes longer baths. His inability to find a common joke funny. Yup, he is probably everything I hated in a guy.

When I was younger and had wild ideas about love.

Now, these are the things that I love about him.

When it comes to love between 2 people, he is happiness itself.

And we don’t let each other go. He has never told me he will not let go of my hand and my heart, he hardly says all these mushy icky stuff. But I feel it.

I feel it in the very depths of my soul that he will never let go.

His eyes tell it so.